November 10th 2010
(KUPI) It’s been long-held that the earth is a haven for uselessness, voids, dead ends, and the obsolete. Despite the apparent presence of such (as witnessed in countless major department stores, on the 6 o’clock news, and the drawer to the left of my stove), earth-bound residents continue to deny that any time or effort has ever been wasted (despite the large piles of waste and the wasted time that is employed keeping it concealed from the homopods).
Finally, proof positive has been established that futility and nothingness exist here on this mortal coil, this verdant sphere, this garden of Eden amongst solid waste containment facilities. Now, for the first time, visual proof of a black hole on earth, a reverse anus, if you will, slowly sucking down the detritus, jetsam, flotsam, and edible food substances from the third rock, exists (the author apologizes for the appalling structure of this last phrase).
On Thursday, September 24th, four members of the Mattoon boys varsity cross country team, competing at the Mattoon Boys Cross Country Invitational at Mattoon Illinois, veered off course just past Millers Creek at marker 4. Thinking that they were trouncing the field (including arch nemesis, Charleston), their joy soon turned to terror when they became the first humans to lay eyeballs on the gaping black hole-inverted rectum in a hidden meadow near Lakeland College.
“It was making a hummph… hummphing noises, like something hummphing on a huge couch,” stated Jon Hickley, a 17-year-old junior at Mattoon. “We got weirded out, but then decided to throw some stuff in there to see what it would do (logical, as Jon plans to study food science at East Central Illinois Technical College). Short vortexes of spray filled with pop bottles, disposable diapers, skateboard decks, video games and cell phones were seen streaming down the hole like mini-kitchen tornadoes.
“When we got closer to look, Kevin got sucked in and we got really really freaked. But the hole kinda burped him back out in like 10 seconds.” Kevin Hankly, a 19-year-old Senior and part-time roller rink clerk, landed on his back like a schmuck in the muck and was none the worse for wear. All of his hair was missing, he was mumbling something in latin and his breath smelled like Ludens Cherry cough drops.
Bret Shackley, a 15 year old sophomore, who received a C+ in art class, quickly sketched the odd intuberance on a piece of birch bark with a muddy stick. The boys then found their way back to the course, finishing the race just before the radio controlled model airplane club took over the park. By the time they had reached the end, Kevin Hankly had grown a long beard and so became a man. The cheer squad complained that all the boys smelled like farts (which they attributed to the fall spreading of manure).
When they began recount their incredible story, the coach, an ordained Order of the Monk minister, quickly pooh-poohed the notion, reciting chapter and verse and converse, and sent them all home without the usual post-race gummy snack. When Kevin, appearing more and more like Moses, pointed to the opening in the trees to where the backwards light sucking entrance lay, the trees threw up their giant arms and warned the kids not to approach. One dog sprinted through the opening before it closed tight like the smooth legs of a good girl on prom night. The dog, whose name was Fluffy, was never seen again – though it’s bark can be heard every third Thursday and Sunday outside the Chicken Shack on Main St. where it used to get fed.
As of this time, Kevin Hankly has still not grown his hair back. He shaves his beard once a week and donates the hair to the Jean Genie Society of Illinois. A team of Teaching Assistants from Eastern Illinois University took a room at the Super 8 Motel in Mattoon to discuss the unlikelihood of reaching any decisions about the soil-bound black entrance. “One should never draw conclusions about holes in the ground,” Tao “Tommy” Chang, team member, was quoted as saying, but his words were almost inaudible, being quickly sucked through the woods, past the dog, and into the hole.